Why sue when you can become a Somali Pirate? ( this suggestion does include content that may offend)

The idea of a sustained campaign of sues (from the teacher to the supermarket) was short-lived. During a lengthy session of procrastination the idea burst in to my head like a thousand fireworks. Why do any of my previous suggestions when, you can become........ a SOMALI PIRATE.
Now looking at various internet sources you do need to be dark-skinned, capable of negotiating and have strong torture skills. So I've composed a plan for each of these below:
1) Dark- skinned- You're gonna need to do a Michael Jackson here, but the other way round.
2) Capable of Negotiating- Should be easy, the majority of my readers have spent 5 years at Fearnhill School.
3)Strong torture skills- Practise on a sibling
Now once you've completed your basic training as shown above you're ready to apply, catch a flight to Somalia and walk along the coast line until to find a harbour with a few half broken ships. Talk to the Pirate leader and tell him you used to work as a CIA agent for the US government (here's where the money-making comes in) , but tell him you plan to become a traitor to America in exchange for 2 million dollars. (here's where it could all go wrong), he'll either accept and be delighted to have such a 'high-profile' pirate or you'll end up as one of the hostages. Resting on the assumption that he will accept you gratefully, you need to target 2 middle-aged English (preferably posh) people and sail around the ocean until the British government agrees to pay your pirate clan £5 million British Sterling Pounds to release them. Now here's where the negotiating comes in , you tell the US negotiators that you want £7.5 million and you will release confidential CIA files if they don't (obviously, you don't have the files, because you're not a CIA agent, just a reminder), the US negotiator tells you to stop playing around otherwise Mr Obama will send in a Seals team to beat your arse. You quickly ring up the Pakistani authorities and ask if they have a medium sized compound where you can hide along with the prisoner, they'll agree (obviously) and you sail to india, drive up and settle in Pakistan. You won't be found for 10 years, they'lll forget about you and you can walk off as a free man, but with a load of dosh.

*Please Note- The suggestion above is purely a inventive force and is not in any way encouraging my readers to act against the United States of America or the United Kingdom, and if it makes any officials more comfortable, then they can read my next post tomorrow based around capturing and assassinating Colonel Gaddafi and his 6000 female bodyguards