Fatties: The Full Report- Part 1/3

For years now people have feared 2012 and the prophesied bullshit that has been sprouted around by religious nutters. A bit like Rapture, but a bit more hardcore, but like the Rapture theory, a money-making scheme thought up by the fat (ironically) old tosser Harold Camping.

But there is the possibililty of a disaster next year. Not caused by God Almighty or a electromagnetic wave but the rather growing issue of (to put it blandly).......fatties.

Recent scientific studies carried out by me in my back garden ( as in a field of green, not whatever you were thinking) suggest that the Earth has 'sunk' by upto 23% in the last 4 years. Now, this isn't because the Chinese have more kids in one day than the rest of the world does in a year ( maybe excluding Stevenage), it's because the mass of living material on the Earth is increasing. Every 40 stone monsters step on the pavement creates a force that would blow Newton away. The concrete cracks and the Earth sinks a bit more. Imagine the similar effect when 1 billion  fatties all do this. Yes, the Earth sinks. The theory in itself can be proved, and if you disagree......well.....fuck you. In fact, anyone who disagrees must be fat themselves, which isn't hard these days, considering 65% of everyone you meet is overweight by a colossal amount.

So.....ditch the burgers and scoff the salad, easier said than done!...but in my eyes, Earth has a new scapegoat.

Check back tomorrow for Part two...

The Dreaded Combination

Warning : If you are over 30 stone, and currently on the UK Fatty Hitlist, It is advisable to turn away now.

Fat people, for generations the people of Britain have got heavier, and Britain is now sinking as a result. Stuff Global Warming, this is a more pressing issue, and pressing is the major word here, the fat people are squeezing us into the seabed, very slowly, but as the fatty population rises this does progress at a faster rate,

I have some ground-breaking evidence that will shake (literally) the foundations.

Check back either tomorrow or Friday for the full complete report.

Exam Invigilators

Grumpy old men resembling Hitler, female's with bushy beards,just two descriptions of the 'eagle-eyed' gremlins that watch over the helpless exam-biding students, much like prison officers.
Arguably the most annoying known to me is the 'coughing hag, the women who literally cannot stop coughing, she splutters and spits like a microwave put on max power. This not only spreads infectious diseases to the students, but also distracts them whilst they put 'maximum' effort into gaining the best grade possible.
The second mentioned gremlin is the 'Hitler Guy', characterized by his title, basically a aged Hitler. He distracts during exams by throwing dirty glances at dark-skinned students and refuses to give a exam paper to a Jew, in one case throwing a clock on them. I'm happy to say In have sued the man in question.
The third devil in question is the 'bearded dragon'. Characterized by her full-blown moustache and Victorian clothing, she has struck up a marvellous relationship with the head of English, which according to various sources of mine, has led to a civil partnership request.
The last invigilator in question is the one I sent sprawling on the floor in my last exam. Characterized by a annoying compulsion to speak fucking gibberish she angered me to the point of no forgiveness, and got what was coming to her ( not literally), a tumble.

Please Note: Invigilators are arguably the most stressful, boring, repetivive and most fucking retarded people in the world, and for this reason I take no liability in my onslaught and would like to add, any invigilator that diasgrees with me, send your motherfucking drivel to pmpope16@hotmail.co.uk and i'll reply very kindly, thank you.

Der U-Bahn

Trains, large metallic objects, highly convenient for transport. The people that operate them at the terminals, complete dicks.
There's four types of First Capital Connect staff, fat middle aged women, Polish immigrants, short male Indians or lanky English twats who evidently have no life, judging by their job. Stopping people because they've got off at the wrong station, molesting 17 year olds because they're still travelling on a child ticket, the moral of this being, who gives a fuck.
People across the country have learnt by now that giving them a penetrating set of evils makes you feel better. But, be warned it just provokes them into harassing other innocent travellers. (75% of readers will add a who gives a fuck after this).
The best way to deal with train attendants is corresponding with the 4 types of staff listed above, a remedy for each of these is listed below:
1) Fat Middle Aged Women- Speaks for itself, buy them a burger then sneak through why they slop mayonnaise down their over sized chests.
2) Polish Immigrants- Ring Border Control and sneak through as the over-enthuastic cop's rugby tackle the worker to the ground, as you watch in glee.
3) Short Male Indians- Cook them a steaming curry before you leave the house and hand it took them, they get excited, accidently open the barriers why you leg it through.
4) Lanky English twats - Cover yourself in makeup and get a breast transplant, seduce the worker and take him to the bathroom, smash his head over the sink and run back through the barriers.

There's obvious (at least I'd hope) risks associated with each of these plans so I want to warn you in advance that extra special care must be taken.

Please Note- I can not be held responsible for any attacks on First Capital Connect staff, my readers act at their own discretion (at least I hope so) , and on in full countability of their own actions. Any disagreements with my fucking policies can be emailed to pmpope16@hotmail.co.uk

La Francais

This week I came across a angry French woman who had intruded in a conversation and ranted her disgust at the contents of the discussion.
I'm sorry, but you know the world's going Topsy-Turvy when a French person has the cheek to intrude in someone's conversation and announce her fragile emotions.
I'm sorry but where were the French in the Second World War. They surrendered easier than a 6 year old surrounded by 30 hooded 'chavs'. They say old habits never die, and a cowardly act it was too, she could of happily joined the argument, but instead slithered in the corner, listening in like a wizard with extendable ears.

I'm not saying all French people are undermining pussies. I'm merely saying 96% are. We, brave, noble Englishman saved their arses in the 2nd World war, and what do we get in return, as a thank you, a wave of tidal immigration.
Yes, I can today reveal, the French person I speak about is none other than a well known immigrant, who arrived in England in 1988 on the back of a lorry from Calais. She blended into English life before joining a ( rather talked about) establishment where she has been polluting the minds of children since. Characterised by a all leather performance, not seen out of place in DFS and a pair of greedy melons, she has bamboozled the precious brains of the English elite, turning us into insubordinate French agents.

The moral of this post, unless 100% sure, never trust a Frenchman.

Please Note: This post is not in any way encouraging people to bomb, desert or pity France but instead warn potential visitors the dangers of our overseas neighbour. Never talk about a important issue near one and you should be fine.

Whe,Will, K, BSN and Lamp : The Finished Product

I have today found evidence to prove that BSN is in fact a special Ofsted secret agent, who has been working undercover in the IT department and is in the final stages of planting a C4 bomb in I2 which reportadly is denotated for explosion at the IT staff meeting on Friday.
Whe is frantically finding excuses for a very important 'discussion' tomorrow with another top-secret agent and future PM, the latest suggestion being he accidently drugged himself and has no recollection of the past 3 years, either that or he has a permanent hangover.
Will is burrowing a very deep tunnel out of his office taking only his IPhone and a giant lump of Worcester Edam with him. Reports suggest he tried to rape his PA (mistaking her for a man) before fleeing. A FBI team is investigating.
K is no longer ranting about the tough times she suffered in WW2, she apparently got hit by a memory charm earlier on today, removing all her memories, she only recollects two sentences, 'Dean, was that you?' and ' Jordan, I'm going to move you to Lamp's class in a minute'
And, finally Lamp is hibernating for the evening, after a strenous day at work in which she's been molested by a burger, argued with a rambling OAP (K) and admitted her affection at beating up students by throwing rocks at them.

This is the final volume of the chronicles and a poll is due to be set up, to ask whether you found these biopics beneficial. Any readers should take this page as a deeply held warning, drop IT before you can even start it.......

......or even better.....don't join the establishment at all.

Whe and Will....Part Two: The End

A return to normality (money- making schemes), will resume tomorrow, but I felt it only 'fitting' to conclude the chronicles of Whe and Will.
I revealed yesterday the mysteries of K, the Japenese ravaged prisoner of war and BSN, the mystery BiSexualNobody. There is one more significant character to add to the fray, going by the nickname of Lamp.
Lamp can be recognised by her (previously thought impossible) 4 chins and rather manlike whale voice. She mysteriously disappeared for 6 months yet judging by a glance after her reappearance it isn't Embarassingly Fat Bodies where she's been residing.
Her role ( she normally likes more than one, along with half a dozen cakes) in this story is rather disjointed. She is, I can exclusively reveal, a he/she, containing both male and female sexual organs, which she used (successfully) in order to get the job at this establishment. You ask me how I came to this shocking discovery.....Veritaserum, a powerful potion that forces the victim to relive memories or tell the truth when asked a painstaking question.
Whe and Will both confided in me how they were ensnared by her colossal figure and persuasive gurgling.
When added to the equation , which now reads:
Whe + Will = BSN + K + Lamp = Disastrous malfunction of all internal establishment systems.
( I have contacted GlaxoSmithKline about the possibilty of having this accepted as an atomic equation but no word back yet).

And that people is the end........

Until I'm given no choice but to deliver the truth yet again.

* Please Note: The article above is again not directly linked to PM Pope's guide on how to get rich or Blogger Ltd. It is again, a most upsetting insight into today's critical educational state.
I can also promise when I become Prime Minister I will not endorse this level of learning, and will stand for a complete overhaul of (ahem) IT (ahem) in this particular 'building'.

Once upon a time.......

W..... a rarely used letter, 'willy', 'waddle' and 'wanker' being the only words that string to mind, used in an everyday situation.

Then two pop up at once....'wanker' and 'wanker'

The story of two W's.....' Will' and 'Whe' ( admittadly shortened)

Will, a gay bike rider, recognised by rodent characteristics and a odd obsession with dairy products, is the first W to be crowned officially as a 'wanker'.
The second, Whe, a bald aged guy, can be recognised by a odd obsession to flee the establishment whenever a 'official' looking guy approaches. (ahem.ofsted.ahem)

You add these two characters together (a bit like putting fruit in a blender), and the specimen created happens to be a whole department!, a achievement in itself. Among the organisms created in this artificial blend happens to be a frail, ill- contorted female going by the nickname of K. A ravaged Japanese prisoner of war, she was transported back to England, for the primary purposes of putting ticks on a sheet ( converted to X's when she met the two W's.)....another creation was BSN, a mystery marker, who I've attributed the name of BiSexualNobody, fitting in with the gender tastes of the two W's.

This mystery marker is currently in hiding, most probably round one of the W's dens or hidden in K's handbag. (not a quick-quotes quill)

Now, under each layer of schooling, there is a conspiracy. The one above is a shocking yet proven realisation of what our children may have to face in many year's time......

.......Let's just hope BSN has shown his true identity by then....
*Please Note- This article has been wrote on the basis of factual evidence, and is not directly linked to PM Pope's guide on how to get rich, or any of his subcontracter's or Blogger Ltd. The article has been written after extensive research into biological engineering and a certain IT department. Any objections, love letters, death threats, or any other comments can be emailed to pmpope16@hotmail.co.uk

!

Coming very soon....the shocking revelations of a couplet of W's

Polo Heaven

Polo mints, who can dispute them?, the soft texture and succulent flavours that emit from our toilet seat shaped little friends are unimaginable until you try one. By now you've probably realised I like polos, and I couldn't content myself without combining polos with a new master money-making plan.
Here's how you do it-
-Work your way up the business ladder until you become the ultimate leader of the polo clan.
-Increase the production of polo's tenfold until you're earning in excess of £1 million pounds an hour.
-Combine different flavours to create the ULTIMATE POLO
-Become a billionaire in a matter of weeks.
Buy out all the other major mint brands and create a total polo dictatorship (a bit like Hitler coming to power), from here you're ready to rule the confectionary world.
Not only are Polo mints the leading sweet brand in the world, you'll be 'minted'!

*Please Note- The reference to Hitler was merely a comparison between the polo uprising and his, and is in no way supporting or reasoning his personality or atrocities.

End of Poll

The results of my first poll are in and it's encouraging to know 11/15 people believe the site is very influential. No-one said the poll isn't influential and the 2 'who the fack are you' are clearly from my Chinese 'fanbase'. The new poll goes live very shortly.

Operation Gaddafi's flaws

Anyone who hasn't heard of the 'interesting' individual Colonel Gaddafi either doesn't possess a internet connection, TV or radio or is a retard. He is arguably the most wanted man in the world right now and you can bag yourself a fortune out of it.
Fly to Libya armed with a handful of weaponry and land in Tripoli, the centre of the action. From here proceed to the 'susposed' secret location of Colonel Gaddafi's bunker, or 'hideout'. Now, use your disguise as a seemingly attractive 25 year old woman who swears solid allegiance to Gaddafi until he accepts you into his inner circle of Rugrats. The timing of your assassination is completely up to you, preferably not to the point when he trys to seduce you, as this could lead to many awkward questions......
The best choices of murder for me personally would be poison, whether making him eat a e-coli stricken pig or injecting him with acid, up to you. Or you could capture him alive which would surely guarentee you a larger sum of money, depending on how badly starved he is by the time you get back to England (and through border control).
This plan may not seem feasible on the surface, but in reality the laws of sexual indoctrination are not too hard. A fine coat of nail varnish (ahem) and a good set of female clothing will win Gaddafi over instantly (don't worry trolls, he isn't too picky about looks). So get out there...and get this bastard!

The one and only Colonel Gaddafi

The Libyan, deranged nutter who has a 6000 bodyguard female force, and just doesn't he need it, with three quarters of the world on his arse, he is arguably the most wanted guy in the world at this present time. Coming up very soon is the undoubtable masterplan to remove this guy from the face of the Earth and bag you a fortune in the process, hold tight people, this is a bumpy ride....

Why sue when you can become a Somali Pirate? ( this suggestion does include content that may offend)

The idea of a sustained campaign of sues (from the teacher to the supermarket) was short-lived. During a lengthy session of procrastination the idea burst in to my head like a thousand fireworks. Why do any of my previous suggestions when, you can become........ a SOMALI PIRATE.
Now looking at various internet sources you do need to be dark-skinned, capable of negotiating and have strong torture skills. So I've composed a plan for each of these below:
1) Dark- skinned- You're gonna need to do a Michael Jackson here, but the other way round.
2) Capable of Negotiating- Should be easy, the majority of my readers have spent 5 years at Fearnhill School.
3)Strong torture skills- Practise on a sibling
Now once you've completed your basic training as shown above you're ready to apply, catch a flight to Somalia and walk along the coast line until to find a harbour with a few half broken ships. Talk to the Pirate leader and tell him you used to work as a CIA agent for the US government (here's where the money-making comes in) , but tell him you plan to become a traitor to America in exchange for 2 million dollars. (here's where it could all go wrong), he'll either accept and be delighted to have such a 'high-profile' pirate or you'll end up as one of the hostages. Resting on the assumption that he will accept you gratefully, you need to target 2 middle-aged English (preferably posh) people and sail around the ocean until the British government agrees to pay your pirate clan £5 million British Sterling Pounds to release them. Now here's where the negotiating comes in , you tell the US negotiators that you want £7.5 million and you will release confidential CIA files if they don't (obviously, you don't have the files, because you're not a CIA agent, just a reminder), the US negotiator tells you to stop playing around otherwise Mr Obama will send in a Seals team to beat your arse. You quickly ring up the Pakistani authorities and ask if they have a medium sized compound where you can hide along with the prisoner, they'll agree (obviously) and you sail to india, drive up and settle in Pakistan. You won't be found for 10 years, they'lll forget about you and you can walk off as a free man, but with a load of dosh.

*Please Note- The suggestion above is purely a inventive force and is not in any way encouraging my readers to act against the United States of America or the United Kingdom, and if it makes any officials more comfortable, then they can read my next post tomorrow based around capturing and assassinating Colonel Gaddafi and his 6000 female bodyguards

Sueing Claim 1

The credit for today's post must be attributed to Yvette Gibson who gave me the awesome idea of sueing in general, but also the the developed method of sueing, teachers. Now the main point to take away from this is to sue the teacher that discriminates against you, as this builds up your case. The following 4 point plan is guarenteed to get you thousands:-
1) Target your chosen teacher with snide remarks and criticism
2) Build up the level of attacks until she/he attacks you with a textbook
3) Pretend to have suffered life changing mental injuries (Act like a retard in court)
4) Win the court case and get thousands in compensation damages.
Now unless you already have outstanding mental conditions, this is surely the best piece of advice I've (with the help of Yvette)  handed out yet.

*PLEASE NOTE - Due to a high demand of cases issued against Mr Williams, it is advisable not to target him, and Ms Wilson is a magistrate and will clearly pervert the course of justice, in court in her favour, so again it would be ill-advisable to target her. Personally I'd say the best targets are Mr Opuku ( has no sense of direction in school, so clearly wouldn't be able to find his way to court), Mrs Knowles ( You could potentially say her breath paralysed you) and Mrs Briercliffe (who has a history of violence against children and has Madelaine McCann stuffed in her kitchen cupboard)

Sue

What better method is there than inadvertably falling off a ladder and sueing your company or tripping over a crack on the pavement and sueing the council.
Or pissing off your teacher (or boss) so much they thump you and you can claim compensation! The oppurtunities are endless. For the rest of this week I will come up with the top 5 ways of sueing and how to make sure you get maximum compensation, keep an eye open for updates.

Capture a International Terrorist ( Please note : Any terrorists looking at this site are advised to look away now)

Osama Bin Laden, before his slaying, had a £5 million pound bounty on his head. Imagine if you'd found out he was living at that compound before the Us of A. You'd be loaded. So today's suggestion: Find another International Terrorist! (Despite many appeals I'm afraid Tony Blair and George Bush still don't come under this category). Now here's how you do it:
- Employ a computer genius and get him a job in the US government.
- Let him hack all their databases and find out the 'suspected' locations of terrorists and more importantly how much money they're worth.
- Get him to send all the information back to you.
- Take your pick!
Now, you have to be clever in your choice, don't pick Mazam Al Squiah just because he sounds weird (that was a made up name), pick the one worth the most, even if his name is Justin Bieber (highly unlikely), the US have posters of him in the White House. It's likely his name will be along the lines of Garazh ill Bomben.
Set off on your own, to find the f*c*i*g Asshole and blast his head off. Easy as 1,2,3 for a guy that can't count. One slight hitch, he has the whole of the Middle East on his side.

DIFFUCULTY RATING- 9/10
Closing Comments- The Middle East, good for nothing but oil....and sand. If you can't get to your chosen terrorist because they're all too busy rioting and throwing stones at each other, just start screaming 'viva la revolution' and you'll be friends in no time.....

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Fall Down a Hole (Please note, a Driving License is required for this suggestion)

A quick glance at the title is enough to qualify a ' what the hell' or something along them lines but actually falling down a deep hole is a masterstroke and is actually a brilliant plan in becoming a millionaire (providing you're the only one who falls down the hole, the Chilean miners have to share out the money).
Now in order to complete this scheme with maximum efficiency I suggest hiring a JCB digger, you're gonna need one big hole. (and no sexual jokes inserted here).
I suggest a hole deep enough so you've no way of climbing back out of it, now even if you are a experienced Mount Everest pioneer. Dig the hole in your back garden, scream when you hear your neighbour come back home 11 days later, she'll call the emergency services, they'll (hopefully) get you back out and the papers will be hammering on your door for the story of how you fell in and ate soggy worms for over a week!, a film will soon be made about you (admittedly low budget) and you'll write an autobiography (which will be about just as popular as Tony Blair's), but hey, you'll be richer right?

DIFFUCULTY RATING- 5/10
Closing Comments- Unless you're a f*****g retard it shouldn't be hard to hire a digger and blast a gaping hole in your garden, the hard part for many will be jumping in!, and for the 'overweight' people out there, I'd rather not be held accountable for an earthquake. It you don't hold a driving license there I'm afraid a shovel will have to do!

Operation Cliff's of Dover

The codename to this operation is rather different to the actual plan itself. The serenity of the Dover cliffs will be thousands of miles away when you're 'all guns blazing'
First decipher the title to this post. What's white, rather long and suffers pollution? Simon Cowell's teeth of course?
And yes, my plan, raid his villa.
Before you smash your moniter in pure disgust at this outrageous and rather daunting task, let me explain myself. Simon Cowell is very rarely at home. His main area of living is either in the TV studios where he commands his life or Cheryl Cole's spare bedroom ( Although, he isn't so welcome anymore). The plan is simple enough. Bride a few thousand Gurkhas, tell them that his Villa is a Drug's Den, and to empty his villa and bring all his possessions back to you!
What can go wrong eh?

DIFFUCULTY RATING- 9/10
Closing Comments- The fact Simon Cowell is the most powerful guy in the world most probably means he has a few nuclear missiles in his cellar. Be warned he will strike with hell and fury?....My secondary advice, move your new found wealth to the moon

4) Steal some Gold

Imagine having a house built out of gold!, Or a gold- plated car!, or a gold plated toilet seat! All within the realms of possibility if you follow my simple steps here. First, where do you rob the gold from?, the answer......The underground vault of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. Now unlike my post about Scotland, the US is the complete opposite with regards to security, so extra care is needed on this mission. They won't let you storm in, steal all the gold and wave goodbye. They'll get a few hundred Apaches on your arse.
This mission is all about timing and patience. You get a middle man to get a job at McDonalds, he can feed you (not literally) information about when the new burger is due to be released, and you can co-ordinate your attack for that day. They'll all be in Mcdonald's why you waltz into the bank, catch the lift down to the vault, steal all the gold in a few hundred lorries, drive to the port, load it onto your pre-prepared ship and there you have it, you're a billionaire.

DIFFUCULTY RATING- 9/10
Closing Comments- The only snag to this plan is when they all come out of Mcdonald's and realise all their gold has gone, but hey, you could always hide in Pakistan!, they love hiding convicts....

3) Find Treasure

For centuries budding explorers have set their sights on finding 'hidden' treasure instead of stumping up the courage to rob a bank, but is this idea completely dumbfounded? The answer is no, all you have to do is buy a metal detector (advisably not Tesco Value), and get out hunting. Now, I don't stay explore your back garden because you're as about as likely to find a prehistoric condom (that didn't exist) than a box of treasure!, my advice is to set out to an unhabited island and have a hunt around! You're bound to find a few treasure chests, how simple eh?

DIFFUCULTY RATING - 9/10
Closing Comments- Unhabited islands don't have airports so getting there might be a problem and if you get stuck on one, having money is no good, and i wouldn't advise eating it, even if you do like the taste ( Bill Gates is a well known money-muncher

2) Rob the Bank of Scotland ( PLEASE BE WARNED IF YOU ARE SCOTTISH YOU MAY TAKE OFFENCE TO THIS SUGGESTION)

Scotland. The land of miserable middle-aged.....Scotspeople. If you're unlucky enough to accidently drive into Scotland I suggest driving to Glasgow and trying to rob the central Bank of Scotland. A flawed plan?.....Their security is about as tight as a anorexic person's jeans! , and no I'm not joking. Run in with a unloaded MP40, demand £40 million in cash, and run off (with the cash).... when back in England receive a MBE from the Queen!, a brilliant plan for those of you who want to put a bit of drama in your money-making

DIFFUCULTY RATING- 7/10
Closing Comments- It's easy to the point you get back to Border Control, if you've got a few spare Burger King vouchers on you, you'll be fine, if not.....look forward to the beautiful Scottish Jails

1) The Easiest of them all

Simples!, meet a 80 year old celebrity, pretend you love them to bits, marry them, then get a huge inheritance when they die!, the easiest way to get rich, tried and trusted method by many young woman who possess no talents except big boobs, and a failed acting career.
Katie Price might even take my advice soon and make a move on Michael Caine!


DIFFUCULTY RATING- 6/10
Closing Comments- Go to London at 2am, you're bound to get lucky, if not go to your local bingo hall.

Unveilment

Welcome,
You want to be rich and famous (not in the slums), you want to hang out in the Ritz (don't worry, Katie Price will be banned by then), then follow my simple steps to get rich. I'll regularly update my site with wacky ideas to get the bling on your neck and the cash in your pocket!